Failures and Freedom

Alright, so I'm about to get really real, but I want to share with you the journey I've been on, especially because the story ends with some really exciting news for this little photography business of mine! I also think my story is probably relatable to so many Moms out there. Every mother I know, goes through hard decisions after having kids about what the new life plan is. Because kids change everything and this motherhood journey is a wild one.

The last year has been hard. I went back to my nursing job just under a year ago. A job I loved, in a career I'd been focused on for the past 11 years. Before kids, I had a whole lot of ambition for my career AND I still had ample time for mountain adventures, so much self-care, photography (even my passion for landscape photos), friends, cooking, etc. Time never felt like a barrier. Having kids, for me, knocked so many things off this list of what could fit into a typical week. For most people, that has to shift your identity a bit, and for me I even remember periods of time of almost completely losing myself. Who am I anymore if I can’t get to the mountains for a whole month and what is most important to me when it doesn’t all fit anymore? Big life questions that I didn’t really have answers for!

At the end of my second maternity leave, I knew I had to go back to my nursing job. Of course, partially because I could use the stable income, but even more it was about having to prove that I could “do it all”. Well, I’m here to tell you that I failed. But I think it just might turn out to be my most favourite failure of my whole life. It turns out I couldn’t balance a health team lead job (that was hard to leave at the office), teaching health classes in the community, being a professional wedding and family photographer, while also being a wife and a mother. At least not in a way that made me feel good about it. When I was at work, I often felt like I should be with my kids, when I had time with my kids, I often had an overwhelming photography and household to-do list hanging over my head. Essentially, I just felt spread way to thin.

There are so many working Moms that seem to manage it all and for awhile I found myself in a self-sabotaging shame cycle of feeling like I must be the only one that can’t handle this all. I do think there’s probably tons of Moms rocking life and a million different things going on at once and then there’s lots of others really truly struggling. In reality, I’m guessing most Moms have experienced both ends of the spectrum because it is impossible to find a balance. Regardless, I just really needed to stop the comparisons and focus on me and my family. And my husband and I were tired of feeling like our life had no wiggle room. There was many times we felt like things were working okay and all the pieces of the puzzle were fitting into our lives, but then a new challenge would hit, the kids and/or I would get sick, a new stressor would pile on top, and we just couldn’t cope well anymore.

So we’ve attempted to simplify. I feel really fortunate that I can continue teaching health classes to keep a portion of my nursing passion alive, while also making more time for family and more time for photography. I know this change won’t solve all challenges in and of itself and it’ll still take a lot of work to get back to better habits (like self-care/exercise), but I am so excited. I really do believe that my kids will start getter a better version of me. And, I feel like I am finally giving myself the freedom to follow through on all of my ideas for this little photography business of mine. To every other Mom out there, I’d love to hear from you and how you’re finding your own way on this motherhood journey; it helps for us to all know we’re not alone and that it can be a confusing path.

Thanks to Paula Gerein Photography for capturing these precious photos of me with my girls recently - they truly do capture a time in my life that was starting to feel a bit like a blur. And it was so amazing to be on the other side of the lens for a change and provide some proof of Mom for my kids to always be able to look back on.